Familiy

I'm back! Still exhausted and trying to play catch-up, so this will be a short post.

I took a road trip up to Illinois for Jeff's memorial. I spent 22 hours in a car to get there, spent 3 days with some wonderful people, then spent 22 more hours in a car to get back home. The memorial service was beautiful. Lots of tears and hugging and wondering 'why'. But through all this, I've learned something. I should say re-learned actually. This is a lesson I learned long ago, but has been rekindled in my heart. This lesson is about family.

Family is not just the people you share a blood line with. Family can also be chosen. I don't mean to down-play the love and bonds you have with your natural family, but to enhance the love and bonds you can have with your extended, chosen family. Chosen family can be just as loving and supportive as your natural family. Even through all the squabbles and bickering, there is still a bond that holds you together to these people, even if that bond is not blood.

I learned some new and interesting things about A's family. I feel closer to them than I felt before. I hope they feel the same about me. Yes, I'm sure we'll still have our squabbles but, for me anyway, I will always consider them family. I will always do my best to love and support them in anyway that I can. And hopefully, we can all get together and play Flippy Cup again. =)

I was also able to spend a little time with my brothers and sister(in-law), and nieces and nephew. I just wanted to say that I love you guys and wish I had more time to spend with you. I really hope we get to spend more time together in the near future. I love and miss you guys bunches.

That's about it for now. I need to get caught up on laundry and pull up the garden that died during my absence, and hopefully there is a nap in my near future.

Rest in peace, Jeff

Jeff died this evening about 7pm. He was very weak all day, and kept repeating "Ok. It's ok." every few minutes, as if telling God that it was time. His sister, Sue called in a priest and gave him his last rights. A held him through his last breath and told him "It's ok to go. Don't fight it",then kissed him on the forehead and came home to tell me what happened.

Jeff wanted to be cremated so, we're planning a memorial service in Peoria, Illinois with his ashes, then he will be brought back here to Florida to stay with Daryl. We don't have any dates set yet for the memorial service, but I will update here as soon as I know anything.

We're all kind of numb right now. I mean, a month ago, he was trimming a tree in my front yard, and taking the kids swimming. He seemed perfectly fine, and now he's gone. I thank God that he is no longer suffering and in pain. I am grateful for the short time I got to be in his life.

I can't really think straight right now. It has taken me two hours to write this much. I'll update more later when I can think more clearly, and can go more than five minutes without crying.

Giving up

A took Nana to visit Jeff yesterday, and just left to go see him again today. Last night A told me that Jeff is giving up. He said Jeff has accepted that this cancer will be the end of him and he wants the kids to know how much he loves them. At this point, A lost it. He said he wanted so badly for his dad to watch the kids grow up. He sees how much his dad loves the kids. He wanted the kids to see the love that A didn't get as a child.

You see, Jeff is a very caring and loving man, but he doesn't always say the words "I love you". His way of showing love is to bring food, or slap a wad of cash in your hand. But he's not like that with the kids. He gives hugs and kisses and says I love you a million times a day. He will call an hour after we leave, just to say he misses the kids and schedule another 'play date' with them the next day. He takes them to the zoo, the beach, carnivals and fairs. He'll even pick them up just to take them grocery shopping with him. Jeff loves these kids sooo much. A didn't get that as a child. His mom was a lesbian, his dad is gay (figure those odds). They divorced when he was very young. He spent his childhood being traded back and fourth for visits. His dad would buy him pretty much whatever he wanted, but rarely said "I love you". A just wanted to experience that love through his kids. Just seeing Jeff with the kids was enough for A.

Anyway, Jeff has pretty much accepted this will be it. He isn't strong enough to do Chemo, but they are going to go ahead and try radiation. At this point, all they are trying to do is get him well enough to go home to live the rest of his days on Hospice care. A said Jeff is really yellow, and super thin. You can see every bone in his face. He has a feeding tube in his nose, and his arms are all bruised up from all the IVs he has been on. He is in a lot of pain, and his breathing is very labored.

I still have hope. I still believe he can make it through this. I don't see why they would bother to treat him with radiation if there wasn't a chance he'd survive. That may just be my ignorance though. I'm not ready to give up on him. None of us are ready to lose him. Not Daryl, Nana, A, or the kids. So I keep my hopes and pray he will make it through. Maybe I'm wrong, but I refuse to just give up.

Jeff's sister, Sue is flying down and should be here in about half an hour. I need to clean the house up some and prepare for company.

Update on my father in law

Jeff and Nana



Heard some news today about my father in law, Jeff. It is cancer. He can't do chemotherapy because his body is too weak. They are considering trying radiation treatment again. He just finished radiation treatment a few months back for his prostate cancer.

This is all overwhelming. We are all stressed and on edge. Daryl is loosing his marbles. He took a leave of absence from work because he can't concentrate. He's been short tempered with his dogs, and has been sleeping at the hospital with Jeff. He isn't returning phone calls or texts from other family members who live out of state. These are all very unusual for Daryl. He's the sweetest person I've ever met. I've never even heard him raise his voice to his dogs. He always had a smile on his face. Now he's seriously depressed. He's not eating. He's not sleeping well. He went home yesterday to get some stuff, and Jeff's mother (who is staying there taking care of the house and dogs) heard him sobbing in his bedroom. He must have been really sobbing loudly, since she is pretty much deaf, and doesn't have a hearing aide.

Jeff's mom, Rosemary (or Nana) is doing ok I suppose. She's at least keeping it together a bit better than Daryl. She flew in from Illinois on Monday. Unfortunately, her luggage didn't make it here until last night. So I took her shopping on Tuesday to buy some clothes and toiletries to make it through till her luggage came. We were talking about what to get for dinner when she broke down in the middle of the store. She felt guilty that she was able to eat when her son couldn't. (Jeff can't eat because everything tastes like salt water and bile, so he's on a feeding tube.) She said "It's not fair! A parent isn't supposed to watch their children slowly die. A parent is supposed to go first!" I tried to console her. We didn't know for sure at that point that it was definitely cancer, and even if it turns out to be, there are treatments. She accepted that and we finished our shopping trip. We have been going over to their house every night and cooking dinner for Nana, to make sure she eats, and has some company other than the dogs. It's funny that she flew down to take care of the house and dogs, but I'm the one who has been cooking, cleaning, picking up dog poop, taking out the garbage, and running her around town to make sure she has everything she needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's here, I just find it funny that she's 'taking care of the house'.

The kids don't really understand what's going on. They know Grandpa is in the hospital and is sick, but they aren't old enough to understand why everyone is so upset and why Grandpa can't come home yet. They really want to see him, but he is still denying them a visit, and now even phone calls. It breaks my heart to see the kids cry because they can't talk to him. I understand he doesn't want the kids to see him like this, but they really want to talk to him, if only for a minute.

I'm trying to be strong, which is something I'm not good at. I cry at the drop of a hat. A sad commercial will send me into tears. But I've been biting my lip and trying to keep it inside for now. I don't want to add to the stress of the situation any. I am trying to be strong for Daryl Nana, A* and the kids. I sit and listen and hold them when they break down. I'm wishing I had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. It's times like this when I need my Mommy.



** Side note. A is my husband, and Jeff's son. I haven't mentioned him before on here, and you probably won't hear much about him at all. He doesn't want to be talked about.