Giving up

A took Nana to visit Jeff yesterday, and just left to go see him again today. Last night A told me that Jeff is giving up. He said Jeff has accepted that this cancer will be the end of him and he wants the kids to know how much he loves them. At this point, A lost it. He said he wanted so badly for his dad to watch the kids grow up. He sees how much his dad loves the kids. He wanted the kids to see the love that A didn't get as a child.

You see, Jeff is a very caring and loving man, but he doesn't always say the words "I love you". His way of showing love is to bring food, or slap a wad of cash in your hand. But he's not like that with the kids. He gives hugs and kisses and says I love you a million times a day. He will call an hour after we leave, just to say he misses the kids and schedule another 'play date' with them the next day. He takes them to the zoo, the beach, carnivals and fairs. He'll even pick them up just to take them grocery shopping with him. Jeff loves these kids sooo much. A didn't get that as a child. His mom was a lesbian, his dad is gay (figure those odds). They divorced when he was very young. He spent his childhood being traded back and fourth for visits. His dad would buy him pretty much whatever he wanted, but rarely said "I love you". A just wanted to experience that love through his kids. Just seeing Jeff with the kids was enough for A.

Anyway, Jeff has pretty much accepted this will be it. He isn't strong enough to do Chemo, but they are going to go ahead and try radiation. At this point, all they are trying to do is get him well enough to go home to live the rest of his days on Hospice care. A said Jeff is really yellow, and super thin. You can see every bone in his face. He has a feeding tube in his nose, and his arms are all bruised up from all the IVs he has been on. He is in a lot of pain, and his breathing is very labored.

I still have hope. I still believe he can make it through this. I don't see why they would bother to treat him with radiation if there wasn't a chance he'd survive. That may just be my ignorance though. I'm not ready to give up on him. None of us are ready to lose him. Not Daryl, Nana, A, or the kids. So I keep my hopes and pray he will make it through. Maybe I'm wrong, but I refuse to just give up.

Jeff's sister, Sue is flying down and should be here in about half an hour. I need to clean the house up some and prepare for company.